Something to Breathe
by Arithion
Summary: When you've spent most of your life killing people, do you really deserve to breathe? 12, 1x2 implied ... Songfic


DISCLAIMER: Don't own them, yada yada, though I do believe I should because I swear they would be happier with me.

WARNING: Mild Shounan ai' …If you don't like it, then you shouldn't be reading my work anyway so go away. If you do… WELCOME!!!

~ words in direct thought to oneself

~~**~~ end of fic

_Italics should be song lyrics_

Something to Breathe 

_I will try not to Breathe_

_I can hold my head still _

_With my hands at my knees _

_'Cause eyes are the eyes of the old _

_Shivering and bold _

He sat on the toilet lid in the glaringly white bathroom and looked at his hands. All he could see was all the blood of all the people whose lives he had claimed in the name of peace. No matter how hard he scrubbed, not matter how long he soaked they were still covered in blood. And it wasn't just his hands. Everything, he felt like he needed to rub his skin raw in order to maybe, just maybe, get rid of some of that blood, some of that guilt. 

Maybe it would just be a better idea to end it all, to forget, to be forgotten and let others curse him and fade away as time allowed. To no longer be a remnant of a war that shouldn't have claimed as many lives as it did.

Especially the lives of five teenage boys.

His eyes were so tired, he just wanted to close them permanently, just to rest, to reminisce; to try and pretend that everything had just been a bad dream and that they hadn't been used as the puppets of a revolution that brought about peace through bloodshed. It was his body that belied his age. He looked, and from all appearances seemed to be, a sixteen year old boy, but if you looked into those violet orbs you would see a different story.

Those beautiful, unique eyes spoke volumes. They told of loss, pain and aguish, confusion, revulsion and above all …death. Of an age and depth of soul far mismatched to his youthful appearance. His too thin body shivered and he huddled in on himself, trying not to envision the blood he could see his hands smearing all over him. How long he had been sitting there he didn't know, but the knock on the door didn't startle him, in fact it was somewhat expected, for **he** was never very far from his side these days, not since the war ended.

"Duo?" The voice made him shiver for another reason, its timbre sending a scream of longing up his spine. But how could he touch someone so pure, so perfect? How could he tarnish something so rare with the blood that was on his hands and leaked from every pore of his skin?

He held his breath, wishing for the air supply to stop, wishing for the world to disappear, just wanting to be gone before he caused any more anguish, hurt or death. Before he managed to do something to the one person who meant the most to him. Again he was not surprised when the bathroom door lock was picked and a messy chocolate haired youth was standing in the doorway glaring at him.

Closing violet eyes he took a shuddering breath. Damn those involuntary body functions.

_I will try not to breath _

_This decision is mine _

_I have lived a full life _

_And these are the eyes that _

_I want you to remember _

Behind those eyelids he could see everything he had ever done, every person he had ever killed, every mobile suit he had even sliced in half, and he could hear it too; the laughter, slightly insane laughter that was all that was holding them all back from the brink. But now that laughter was gone, and there was nothing to hold him back any more, was there now?

If he really thought about it, his life had been full, much more so than people who lived to a ripe old age and then died with nothing to show for it. Hell, he had tons to show for it, just go and visit any war memorial cemetery.

A snide laugh escaped his lips.

"Duo…"

Violet eyes fluttered open and met Prussian blue. Why did Heero have to be so perfectly gorgeous? Why did he have to be making such an effort to be a normal person for the first time in his life?

Still huddling on the toilet lid, Duo realized that he had drawn his knees up to his chest at some stage and hooked his arms around them.

"Heero…" His voice was soft and to be honest he really had no idea why.

The perfect soldier looked like he was trying to come up with something to say, or struggling to say something he wouldn't usually say.

"Duo, please… talk to me?"

A derisive snort escaped the longhaired youths mouth. The thought of Heero who had constantly told him to shut up during the war, asking him to speak was almost ludicrous.

"About what Heero?"

He leant forward and picked up one of Duo's hands. It was shaking.

"About this, about us, about anything, about everything."

And for once, Duo hadn't actually been trying to hold his breath, it had done it all on its own.

_Oh _

_I need something to fly _

_Over my grave again _

_I need something to breath _

Visions flashed through his mind. Of him in Deathscythe fighting alongside Wing and coming out victorious. Of them all, except Wufei, killing all of those who had gathered to discuss peace by mistake, thanks to misinformation. Of the feeling that being in Deathscythe gave him, the freedom, the adrenaline; the power.

Was there a reason for him to be here anymore, if he stopped breathing would there honestly be anything wrong with that? Why should he live if everyone he had ever been around had died? Why should he live having killed so many?

There had to be more than just existing. Just existing was no longer a reason enough for him to keep breathing. He needed something, something to make him want to keep breathing.

_I will try not to burden you _

_I can hold these inside _

_I will hold my breath _

_Till all these shivers subside _

_Just look in my eyes _

Looking up at Heero's concerned face, Duo felt a pang of guilt. He was being a burden again. Forcing a big grin on his face he smiled up at his lover.

"It's ok Hee, just a little worn out is all."

He hadn't been expecting the slap across the face that he got.

"Don't you dare give me that shit Duo!" Heero's fists were clenched and his face was red and angry. "I know about your masks, stop hiding things from me!"

The chocolate haired boy was pacing, and all Duo could do was stare as he rounded on him and began probably the longest monologue he had ever had.

"You taught me to feel, and you wouldn't let go of it. You taught me to laugh and you wouldn't let it rest. You showed me that there was more to life than killing people and missions and you showed me that a heart is good for something more than pumping blood through the body, so don't you DARE pull this on me. I'll be damned before I will give up on you, and I wont let you do it either. Look at me damn it." Heero stood, panting with anger and pent up frustration at his lover.

Duo blinked and looked at him.

_I will try not to worry you _

_I have seen things _

_That you will never see _

_Leave it to memory me _

_Shudder to breath _

"I just don't want to burden you. I don't want to worry you, I…am not worth it Heero."

Tired violet orbs lowered themselves again, a sigh escaping pouting lips as he whispered. "I have seen more than you have ever imagined Heero… I feel so old… It's hard to breath"

A shudder wracked his body as a little more of his will to exist ebbed.

Heero stopped a second, taken aback. Seen more than he could ever have imagined? How did Duo mean that?

"Duo, we've been through this together; we've seen and done the same things. How can you…"

But the longhaired youth was having nothing of it.

"I can because I can Heero. Have you ever watched a friend waste away in front of your eyes. Watched them decay and die? Have you ever held the closest person to a mother that you ever had while they coughed blood and died wishing you to safety with their last breath?"

Somewhere during that speech he had gotten to his feet. Having had a growth spurt he was now a little willowy, and his frame was gaunt, he couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, but that was of little consequence.

Not knowing what to say, Heero backed up a step. Duo looked so frail, and yet at the same time so strong that Heero didn't know how to handle this latest development. All he wanted was for Duo to remember. To remember the times they had had together, to remember how much they had meant to each other, and he hoped, still meant to each other.

_I want you to remember _

_Oh _

_(You will never see) _

_I need something to fly_

_Over my Grave again_

A shiver ran down Heero's spine as he remembered how close he himself had come to self destructing during the war, and he didn't mean just his Gundam. It was as if someone had walked over his grave.

"No, Duo… I haven't…" It was all he could say, and it didn't seem to be adequate enough.

The slump in Duo's shoulders told Heero that he was right; he had said the wrong thing yet again. The chestnut haired boy was muttering under his breath and even Heero had to strain his ears to hear what he was saying.

"You will never see, you will never understand, no one could, no one will."

And then Heero noticed it; Duo was shivering.

_ (You will never see) _

_I need something to breath _

_(I have seen things you will never see) _

_Baby don't shiver now, why do you shiver now_

Without thinking Heero stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Duo's frail form. The latter responded by sagging into that hold and soon Heero found himself supporting the majority of Duo's weight. Something needed to be done about this. Not giving a second thought to how Duo would react, Heero bent his knees a little and hooked an arm under Duo's knees lifting him up and carrying him out of the bathroom. Instead of rebelling the violet eyed youth curled himself against Heero, trying to take in the warmth and the security that that body was offering him. Absently Heero deposited a kiss on the top of the chestnut locks.

Once in the bedroom he laid him down on the bed and watched his lover curl into a ball. Draping the blanket over him, Heero sat down on the edge of the bed and twined the fingers of one hand with one of Duo's.

"Duo…open your eyes…please…?"

_I need something to fly _

_Over my grave again _

_(I have seen things you will never see) _

_I need something to breath _

He didn't want to open his eyes. Behind his eyes he could see every reason for not breathing. There was every reason there not to exist any longer, to remove himself from the world and save everyone else the trouble of having to take care of him. If he opened his eyes he would see the one something that could make him want to breath, the one reason for him to exist.

Violet orbs fluttered open, almost against their will, and his breath stopped of it's own accord.

_Oh _

_Oh _

Sitting in front of him, leaning into him, was Heero. But his hair had fallen around his face in an adorable way, the look of concern on his face so out of place there that it was cute.

He couldn't help it; a smile escaped his grasp.

Seeing Duo smile, actually smile genuinely, made Heero attempt a smile in return.

Not able to help himself Duo reached out his other hand and felt it grasped by his lover. 

"Talk to me Duo? Please?"

The patience Heero was showing was amazing, as if he would do anything for Duo, but Duo couldn't let that happen, could he?

"I'm sorry Heero, there is just… so much blood…"

But Heero's face showed only confusion and so Duo sought to explain.

"On my hands, on my conscience, on my soul."

"No more than the rest of us Duo…"

"But how do you deal? How do you forget…how the fuck do you forgive yourself?"

For a few long moments Heero looked at Duo and then leant forward and kissed him chastely on the mouth.

"Because I have you…"

Duo blinked again.

_I will try not to worry you _

_I have seen things that you will never see _

_Leave it to memory me _

_Don't dare me to breath _

"But I…"

"Shh Duo, no buts. You're worrying me; you're not eating, and you're not letting me take care of you, and you definitely aren't taking care of yourself."

Sadness fell over Duo's face, he hadn't meant to make him worry. He just wanted to make himself go away so that no one would need to worry about him ever again. The visions flashed before his eyes as his conscience became overactive yet again and a whimper escaped his lips, causing another concerned stare from Heero.

"So many… so much…too much Heero, I've seen too much…" Violet eyes blinked as tears ran down his cheeks.

Heero gathered the now crying Duo into his arms. "Shhhh Duo…breath…deep breaths…"

~No…don't dare me to breath Heero…please…~

"Remember the good things Duo, I want you to remember the friendships, the support we have, the love you and I have…remember us…"

_I want you to remember _

_Oh _

_(You will never see) _

_I need something to fly _

_Over my grave again _

_(You will never see) _

_I need something to breath _

"Such a waste Heero…"

"What is Duo…"

"Oxygen for me…"

"Don't say things like that Duo…" Heero gathered Duo tighter in his arms, as he felt the body begin to shiver again.

"What would I do without you Duo…where would I be without you?"

Duo stopped trying to hold his breath…he hadn't though about that before. If he left, if he was gone, would Heero be able to handle it…would he actually be able to forget, or had Duo just been hoping that he would? Horrified he realized the answer to that question and felt all the worse for it.

"Alone…" The whisper escaped his lips.

"Exactly…" and a tear escaped Prussian blue eyes to wander its way down his cheek to land in chestnut hair.

_(I have seen things you will never see) _

_Baby don't shiver now why do you shiver _

_I need something to breath _

_(I have seen things you will never see) _

_I want you to remember _

Raising his head a little so he could look at Heero, Duo apologized.

"I'm sorry Heero…it's just, so much… you know?"

"I know Duo…"

"Breathing…existing…it gets so hard…"

"Then don't just exist Duo…"

Cocking his head to one side, Duo silently asked his question.

Taking a deep breath Heero attempted to answer it.

"Don't just exist Duo, live. Breathe Duo, for me, for us, but most of all, for yourself."

~~**~~

Thank you to REM who managed to inspire me when I had no inspiration whatsoever. That song is theirs btw.

~Arith


End file.
